I dreamt of you last night
The earth, sea and stars were dancing on the surface of your skin...
I’m in a relationship with someone new and I’m still getting over my last. I’m stepping into myself and learning what I want with someone by my side. This isn’t how I’m “supposed” to handle this situation, but here I am. I’ve always enjoyed walking the unbeaten path, but it wasn’t on purpose that it played out this way.
I made a conscious decision to step away from all distractions. I knew I might be single for a very long time and I was okay with that. The idea of going it alone excited me. A week later, I met Halleluyah.
She ruined my whole plan! A week after we met we naturally started spending more and more time together - the opposite of what I had decided I needed. So, I tried to put my plan back into action. I asked for scheduled “space days.” I needed time to be by myself so I could sit in my sadness and she gave me that. Still, healing and growth is a lot more complicated than needing a certain amount of time to figure things out. Contrary to what it seemed, Hally wasn’t early and she wasn’t a distraction or an interruption to my process. She came into my life at the exact right time. I didn’t yet have the tools to heal and move forward with any kind of discernment, but Hally had a way of speaking to me that allowed me to cultivtae those tools for myself.
She came into my life holding in her hands a stack of lessons. Right away I knew one of those lessons was learning how to love myself - a fact of our relationship that was presented openly and clearly. However, she teaches me much more than self-love and it’s an ever evolving lesson. She reminds me how to be happy. True happiness isn’t relief from hard times. It’s not a goal realized. Happiness is being true to myself and my feelings moment to moment. Sometimes that means being really sad and sitting in that emotion until it passes. It’s about accepting myself and hugging myself through it instead of beating myself up. Happiness is linked to self-love. So many lessons wrapped up in each other.
My heart is so taken care of now that I’ve learned how to hold myself with care. It’s a treacherous and beautiful journey that I’m still navigating my way through - I suppose that’s why this is so short. I’m still figuring it all out.
These lessons are so often touted as something we must work through alone, but we are all on our own unique paths. To be able to heal and grow with any semblance of grace and self-love is not something I could have done/be doing without her.
I wake up and take a deep breath
Honey and spice
I could spend the rest of my life dreaming memories of you